Judge not, lest ye be an Election Judge

I earned my combat pay on Election Day serving as an Election Judge at a local Voting Center. It used to be called a precinct; now it's a Voting Center. However, the sexy new name does not make you forget that you're spending 17 hours in a cinderblock Drivers License Facility in Elgin, IL.

The day started at 5 a.m. I am by my own admission one of those annoyingly chirpy Morning People. But getting up at 4 a.m. is cruel. 4 a.m. is an UnGodly Hour. The Pope should declare the hours between 2 a.m. and 6 a.m. UnGodly. Yes, people who have had little sleep the night before are responsible for setting up all the voting machines and keeping the democratic processes of our fair republic humming along. Once we set up the machines, put up the posters in the obligatory if not official languages of English and Spanish, and set up the laptop and the Judges Booth Control computer, we were good to go by 6 a.m. when the polls opened. There was already a long line of voters waiting at that UnGodly hour!

That's Kane County Clerk John A. Cunningham in the photo there. He would like for you to know that his nickname is "Jack," and that's in quotes. Because let's face it, "Jack" is really an exotic, whimsical nickname for someone named John. He's a friendly sort though, and pays the judges $145, which works out to less than minimum wage per hour after a 17 hour day.

I worked with 7 other judges in my Voting Center. Some of them remember voting for Abraham Lincoln, having decided to do so after he handily trounced Stephen A. Douglas in the debates and then appeared in some humorous sketches on Saturday Night Live. One woman went to the prom with Rutherford B. Hayes. Another mentioned the really good fish sandwich Jesus split with her. There's something about being an Election Judge that attracts the aged and infirm--oh yeah, you get to sit on your ass all day! But now there's a lot of technology to master, and the old judges are nervous. There was only one other judge who was competent, and we could've run the joint ourselves. Everyone else moved at a pace best described as "a spritely glacier." It was incredibly frustrating to watch someone who voted against the Louisiana Purchase slooooooowly turning Every Single Page of voters applications to find the right one; the concept of slicing down the middle and then cutting that half in half and then flipping quickly didn't mean anything to the alphabetically-challenged. When voter applications were issued on clay tablets, I wonder if these people moved any quicker...probably not.

The whole rainbow of humanity voted in this election. It was amazing to see young and old, black and white, able and disabled, intelligent and idiotic (ok, mostly idiotic...) stepping up to the booths. Some of the elderly voters wanted help, which is ok as long as they fill out an affidavit saying they needed assistance. One grandma told her grandson who was helping her that she "didn't want no black man", and another grandma snapped, "I don't want that man with the droopy jowls!" There were moments of great joy as well as great comedy, I have to tell you...

At any rate...however glacial...we all bonded in a spirit of democracy, shared our snacks, and dealt with all the suckers who were "registered" incompetently and incompletely by various drivers license facilities (they should abolish Motor Voter registrations! So many people never made it onto the rolls! I felt like I was disenfranchising someone every time I pointed out they weren't registered. And the number of people who had moved out of the area three years ago and thought they could still vote in their old precinct was astounding! We need to educate the public about voter registration, especially when you need to re-register, like if you move or change your name, and the number of heartbreaking problems at the polls would drop.)

I was completely brain-dead and laryngitic by the end of the day. I collapsed when I got home--I think I fell asleep in the middle of IMming a friend. It was the fastest 17 hours of my life! Ultimately it was an incredible rush, to be helping people who wanted to vote--I have no interest in politics, in running for office, but voting is such a privilege and I'm truly humbled and awed by the process, and grateful that I could help out. The only downside is, I now hate freakin' old people.