I propose a more suitable name...

...for Lean Cuisine. Since one of those little meals doesn't satisfy anyone over the age of 3, it should be called Mean Cuisine. To paraphrase their slogan, "It's not just cuisine, it's mean..."

Fit to be Thai'd

My Parental Unit came over today for a Nice Visit. After their arrival, announced by Dad intoning, "Someone could trip over that!" they made themselves at home. Dad spent 25 minutes in the bathroom, during which time Mom pawed through all of my belongings--I hid my wine, condoms, vibrator, and Obama cap, but forgot about the potato chips, and they were the most controversial--all those trans fats!

We went to Thai Town for lunch. Oddly enough, for people who think that salt and pepper is "too spicy" and lasagna is "ethnic food," both of my parents like Thai! Dad always gets sweet-n-sour pork, so he might as well be eating in a Chinese restaurant. Which may account for the fact that he all of a sudden bellowed, "ARE THEY TALKING CHINESE?" "Um...no, Dad...that would be Thai..." "IT SOUNDS LIKE CHINESE! HOW DO YOU KNOW THEY'RE NOT TALKING CHINESE!" "Um...because they work here and they're wearing freakin' Thai Town aprons?"

Across from us there was another Adult Child of Parents. He was suffering through a litany of all the foods his parents consumed on a cruise ship which Did Not Agree With Them. At one point, we grinned in solidarity and cast rolled eyeballs at our respective Parental Units. We could've traded tables and our Parental Units probably wouldn't have noticed, and we wouldn't have improved our individual situations any.

At least this wasn't like the last time I had lunch with my parents, when Dad announced out of the blue that "Your mother and I haven't had intercourse in several years...."

And I wonder why I'm a social misfit???

Tie me up, tie me down

I wonder if I have it in me to be a bibliotrix, or dominabrarian? A cross between a librarian and a dominatrix, that is...

Loserville welcomes its newest resident, the Male Slave. Male Slave is such a nice guy--handsome, witty, smart, cultured--oh my, he sings opera! Loves to hang out at Ravinia! Is familiar with the entire ouevre of Monty Python! He gave such good e--I was half in love with his written word. Sigh...

Then the librarian detective in me decided I should Google his e-mail handle, and that's when I discovered he was a Male Slave Seeking a Dominant Female on a BDSM site! For those of you who are not as informed as I now am, that stands for Bondage/Domination/Sadism/Masochism. (In the library world, BDSM might stand for Bibliographic Descriptors Standard Marc, but let's not go there.) Oh my...I was devastated, yet I couldn't stop laughing. This was clearly another hello from Loserville! I found out more about this man from his BDSM profile--more about his non-sexual hobbies as well as the sexual--than I did from his Yahoo Personals profile. "Oh, he likes board games! I do too!" I sighed, before reading about his experiences with a constricting chastity device. (He does write well, I'll give him that...) I sent him a very nice e-mail telling him that I Googled him and discovered more than I really wanted to, and I just couldn't see myself whipping someone into submission. Besides, I think I may have some submissive and masochistic traits myself; I do work at a public library. The real dealbreaker was the fact that he was so stupid and naive that he used his email username on the naughty website! He couldn't come up with an alternative username, like SlaveBoy1972? Dumb dumb dumb...

Well, to wrap up this story, I guess there was a reason he wasn't replying to my e-mails as quickly as I hoped he would: he was probably tied up. Whatever his proclivities are, it just ain't my cup of leather.

Now as I stare out my window at my lawn that needs mowing, I wonder if perhaps I was too hasty in calling things off with him: I could certainly use a Male Slave around the house...

Thai me up, Thai me down

Hot, spicy, and it makes you sweat! It puts you on the brink of suicide! I'm talking about Thai food. I'm also talking about something else, and you'll have to see my next blog entry, with a homophonic title that pairs with this one, to read about that!

So I get home from work and I'm in the mood for Thai food, but I don't want to drive all the way to Randall Rd. or Schaumburg Rd., the closest good places. Sorry, I'm not a big fan of Bangkok House in downtown Elgin. I decided to mix up some hot sauce, soy sauce, and little bit of peanut butter, and voila! Fake Thai! I can Thai one on whenever I feel like it, for dirt cheap! I chopped up some green onions, scrambled an egg, boiled up some noodles, and mixed in my sauce for an ersatz Pad Thai. Not too bad for a post-work-I-need-to-go-grocery-shopping-soon kind of meal.