Loserville proclamation

Attention: Residents of Loserville

Expecting your date to be attired in a sports bra, bike shorts, and stilletos (a.k.a. FMPs) is unreasonable. Especially on a first date. There is no way any sane woman would want to don on that sort of apparel, especially for your sorry non-Armani-affording ass.

However, we will don on said apparel for Girls' Night Out....only my nearest and dearest friends, who understand every cell of my trembling, poetic soul, will see me in a sports bra/bike shorts/Fuck Me Pumps. It all goes back to Emily Dickenson.

If for any reason you're starting to do some math: yes, most of us are only 4% heterosexual. The 96% that's "unspoken" will wear sports bra/bike shorts/absolutely killer orgasmic shiny pump pump pumps with knife-sharp 4" heels for our girlfriends. Because they appreciate absolutely killer orgasmic shiny pump pump pumps with knife-sharp 4" heels. And wild rice. A real girlfriend buys you wild rice when she's on vacation up north.