Loserville dress code

The residents of Loserville often approach me with a request for a mandatory dress code. This dress code would pertain to women only. Women should be attired in either jeans and a t-shirt, baseball cap optional (but only if you have a sexy little ponytail to pull through the opening in the back of the cap--otherwise, most Losers just assume you're a softball-playing dyke, so don't bother) OR the little black dress (LBD.) You see, the citizens of that sleepy burg of Loserville think that women can go from jeans/t-shirt to LBD in 30 seconds or less.... Never mind that the typical Loser, as the natives of Loservilles are known (Loserpudlians is the more archaic term) is not going to squire a woman to either a baseball game, where jeans/t-shirt/baseball cap would be appropriate--he's a Loser--how the fuck is he going to get Sox tix?--or a wedding/other gala event where the LBD would be the thing to wear. The typical Loser is garbed in bad shorts and a sloppy shirt, but somehow feels he has the right to command women to don on the fantasy-inducing garment of his choice. Ladies, eschew the jeans/t-shirt/baseball cap combo AND the LBD (which you can wear on Girls' Night Out and receive compliments from your ever-loving, trustworthy, back-you-to-the-end girlfriends) and instead wear your plaid flannel pajama bottoms and ratty Fightin' Illini sweatshirt* should you encounter a Loser. All you're going to do is watch The Bourne Supremacy for like the 5th time in a row, so you really don't need to dress up. And you'll be sitting on the couch, so you don't really need a baseball cap, and jeans aren't flexible enough for you when you need to scrunch up your legs.

Until the good citizens of Loserville agree to array themselves in Armani suits (formal) or James Dean white t-shirts and jeans (and only if you look like James Dean), then the request for a mandatory dress code for females will be tabled. But don't despair, precious little Losers--your City Manager will tell you that most everyone is at their happiest attired in their pajamas.

*Goes without saying--sweatshirt must have image of banned Chief Iliniwek emblazoned upon it...

New city manager of Loserville

I'm proud to announce that I have formally accepted the position of City Manager for Loserville. It formalizes a job I have already been doing for the past couple of months. There's little compensation and no benefits, but it is a great public service. Like most city managers from whichever burg or metropolis, I'm not actually from there or even live there; I just have to deal with its citizens on a daily basis.

I think I found the Grand Marshall for the big Loserville parade! This guy truly exemplifies the citizenry of Loserville...he is stunning. I didn't even have to seek him out; he came to me and right away I knew he could lead the Loserville parade.