Tie me up, tie me down

I wonder if I have it in me to be a bibliotrix, or dominabrarian? A cross between a librarian and a dominatrix, that is...

Loserville welcomes its newest resident, the Male Slave. Male Slave is such a nice guy--handsome, witty, smart, cultured--oh my, he sings opera! Loves to hang out at Ravinia! Is familiar with the entire ouevre of Monty Python! He gave such good e--I was half in love with his written word. Sigh...

Then the librarian detective in me decided I should Google his e-mail handle, and that's when I discovered he was a Male Slave Seeking a Dominant Female on a BDSM site! For those of you who are not as informed as I now am, that stands for Bondage/Domination/Sadism/Masochism. (In the library world, BDSM might stand for Bibliographic Descriptors Standard Marc, but let's not go there.) Oh my...I was devastated, yet I couldn't stop laughing. This was clearly another hello from Loserville! I found out more about this man from his BDSM profile--more about his non-sexual hobbies as well as the sexual--than I did from his Yahoo Personals profile. "Oh, he likes board games! I do too!" I sighed, before reading about his experiences with a constricting chastity device. (He does write well, I'll give him that...) I sent him a very nice e-mail telling him that I Googled him and discovered more than I really wanted to, and I just couldn't see myself whipping someone into submission. Besides, I think I may have some submissive and masochistic traits myself; I do work at a public library. The real dealbreaker was the fact that he was so stupid and naive that he used his email username on the naughty website! He couldn't come up with an alternative username, like SlaveBoy1972? Dumb dumb dumb...

Well, to wrap up this story, I guess there was a reason he wasn't replying to my e-mails as quickly as I hoped he would: he was probably tied up. Whatever his proclivities are, it just ain't my cup of leather.

Now as I stare out my window at my lawn that needs mowing, I wonder if perhaps I was too hasty in calling things off with him: I could certainly use a Male Slave around the house...

Drink my Kool-Aid!

My friend Sara and I were talking about lame headlines we've seen on Yahoo profiles. Lines such as, "Part teddy bear, part social butterfly." That line is one of the examples given in the oh-so-helpful advice article "Punch Up Your Profile."(That's the article which encourages people to lie.) So if you're so non-creative that you have to appropriate a line from the Yahoo help pages, you're pretty much a sorry mutha.

So then out of the blue Sara says, "I just want someone who will drink my Kool-Aid."

I immediately seized upon that and exclaimed, "Oh my God! You have to use that for your own online profile! Drink my Kool-Aid! You want a man that when the chips are down and you're wondering if you have control over him, will drink your Kool-Aid!"

We howled with laughter over that one. But I still think that would make a great online dating profile headline: Drink my Kool-Aid!

More red flags than May Day in Moscow

The latest yahoo I have run into is the King of the Yahoos--you can't beat this story! He said he was an internal auditor for Shell Oil (and you know how I feel about oil companies--they're Satan's henchpeople, rapists of the environment, instigators of modern wars.) He was supposedly "in London" this week auditing the London office, and since London is 6 hours ahead of Chicago time, of course his e-mails and chats showed up at "odd hours." (Like, when his wife was asleep?) His photo showed a good-looking man with dark hair and a big smile. He said he was 6'2" and made over $150K (doesn't impress me, but I'm sure that was designed to impress a fair number of gullible women.) Oh, and tragically he lost his wife and three children in an auto accident in Arkansas two years ago! This is some guy with whom I e-mailed and chatted briefly, before I shut him down for the following reasons:

1. Couldn't write very well--certainly not at the level of someone who has a high-paying, sensitive job at a major corporation. His main form of communication was repeating "lol" or "yeah" over and over. That's a big red flag!
2. Said he also owned his own oil company which bought from wholesalers and sold to others, and he apparently bought from Shell--that's conflict of interest if you're an auditor, so I think that's bullshit.
3. Wanted to know when was the last time I had sex and how many men I'd been with but didn't seem to want to know anything else about me. That's just plain icky! So I decided to change the subject and asked him about his parents. See #4.
4. When I asked him if his parents were still around, said he grew up in an orphanage...
5. When I pointed out that he sounded like a character in a book and that I didn't believe him about #4, and what else has he done? Train elephants? Played on the 1980 Miracle hockey team? He shut down and I haven't heard from him since. Which is fine with me. I deleted him from my contact lists and from my search results.
6. Couldn't Google him because he had a really common name, but apparently doesn't show up in anything related to Shell Oil either. Hint: if you want to mess with a librarian, be prepared for the fact that we will thoroughly research you...
7. I think his photo is just some random male catalog model he scanned in, some good-looking dark haired guy in a black shirt. I won't be surprised to see "him" in the next Kohl's flyer I get in the mail. Still, whoever he is, he's a good-looking guy. ;-)
8. If you're supposedly conducting something as sensitive as an internal audit for Shell, how can you be e-mailing and chatting with strangers you've met online? Wouldn't you be concentrating on your work and unable to have access to anything that might be an outside influence? Hellooooo?

That's a lot of red flags and bullshit, doncha think?